A gorgeous blonde. Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. After several readings, I couldnt find my mistake. You cross my mind only on Thursday morning. Submitted by Ryan George, Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 10. Its torturous. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. And theres no better place to be than on your partners team! @keyframes ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5{0%{transform:rotate(0deg)}to{transform:rotate(1turn)}}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq{--sizePx:0;font-size:4px;position:relative;text-indent:-9999em;border-radius:50%;border:4px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyTextAlpha20);border-left-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-body);transform:translateZ(0);animation:ibDwUVR1CAykturOgqOS5 1.1s linear infinite}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq,._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{width:var(--sizePx);height:var(--sizePx)}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq:after{border-radius:50%}._3LwT7hgGcSjmJ7ng7drAuq._2qr28EeyPvBWAsPKl-KuWN{margin:0 auto} Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. Submitted by Sai Gautam, Me: Im going to go skydiving for my 40th birthday. 150 Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Humor for Adults in 2023 - MemesBams Jokes You Couldn't Tell Today - YouTube PostedJune 30, 2019 One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. After they were caught, they finished each others sentences. How do you know? My dog told me.Submitted by Sourabh Bhatia, A man with a huge grin approaches a priest. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. A gnome, comes the reply. So we stopped playing chess. Matt Kirshen. Mr. Weinstein. ._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4{width:100%}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA{display:none}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._31L3r0EWsU0weoMZvEJcUA,._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4:hover ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:block}._1LHxa-yaHJwrPK8kuyv_Y4 ._11Zy7Yp4S1ZArNqhUQ0jZW{display:none} ._3bX7W3J0lU78fp7cayvNxx{max-width:208px;text-align:center} ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners Im not very good at advice. you couldn't kick jokes where is madeira citrine mined. 52. 25 of the most outrageous Summer Heights High quotes A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone. A talking clock? You know, says the crook, this is more than I wanted to spend. I figured her sister must also be in the airline business, so I smiled and asked why. You call me a bitch. Please joke responsibly. Whats wrong?, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot daywhen they pass by a bar. Well done, you managed to deliver the perfect insult or smartass line. 87 FUNNY Soccer Jokes To Get You Laughing! View a fight that stems from an ill-fated joke not as a reason to withdraw or get defensive but as a vehicle for intimacy. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. "Can't You Take a Joke?": What to Do When Teasing Hurts The woman responded, Shes a dentist. GCFL.net, A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a chair on his porch. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick. I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions. I do, however, want to set fire to all of your stuff. [Read: All the quotes you need while going through a breakup], 15. ._2Gt13AX94UlLxkluAMsZqP{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:contain;position:relative;display:inline-block} These hilarious DIY jokes will bring down the house! This is my first day driving a cab. You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. The only reason Im fat is because a tiny body couldnt store all this personality.[Read: How to be funny and make people love your company], 29. They left a little note, it said Parking Fine. Tim Vine. *Results not guaranteed. Awesome! he shouts. ", "Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Think about it, the professor answered. /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way? she demands. I can only please one person a day. The detective asks, Is that your husband? Yes, replies the woman. Theyre so noisy, he complained. The floors are so shiny you can see your antennae in them. I want to achieve it by not dying. Woody Allen, The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. You didnt look to your right, yelled the frightened inspector. You cheap bum! she yells. Youll just end up looking comedic and thats not what were going for here. A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino? Do you own a doghouse? He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. short for? The wife says that yes, he could. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Start in England and drive west. I want to provide you with some questions to invite reflection and conversation. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. As he tried to catch his breath, the passenger said, Im sorry I gave you a joltit was my fault. No, it was mine, the driver said. What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?. One looks over at the other and says: Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?. Dont miss these physics jokes that every science nerd will love. [Read: 101 savage good comebacks for every witty, funny or rude comeback], 1. 102 Chuck Norris Jokes to Celebrate the Ultimate Badass - Men's Health Ten years go by and its one monks first chance. Dont stick around for follow ups because youll lose the power. Now hes the village blacksmith. Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. and the one on the right is where I go to church., The man sneers, Thats the church I used to attend!, Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing., Theres a simple test you can run to see how bad the problem is: Start out 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone say something and see if she hears you. Let her spell small animals, not big ones, said her mom. 25 of the most cantankerous Martin Crane quotes from Frasier New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Submitted by Adam J. Smargon, Did you hear about the identical twins who robbed a bank? One in 1. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners The bouncer says, You cant come in here with a dog., He replies, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The bouncer responds, You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?, The second guy exclaims, They gave me a Chihuahua?, I come from a stupid family. This moment of friction gifts you access into your partners interior, their map of pain points and insecurities, as well as insights into your own patterns and beliefs. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! A man is on trial for armed robbery. After my husband injured himself, I ran him over to the doctors office. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. Women are like iPhones. And what about your strengths? Im Batman.Anonymous, After security tackles you on the red carpet? Then they responded, confused, Excuse me, maam, but youre at Tim Hortons. Submitted by Wendy Singedonk. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. How do you get two whales in a car? I took that as my cue to outline my expanded role, and listed my actions and achievements. What do you say I just buy the necklace and we forget this ever happened? The manager agrees and writes up a sales slip. [Read: 101 Savage good comebacks for every witty, funny, or rude comment], 34. Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadnt made any plans, and trying to figure out how the hell you hurt your back., 31. Where's my popcorn? I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. I couldn't believe the . Should be fun, but it costs $500. Green beans are the most Zen of all the vegetables because theyve found their inner peas. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes Is that you?. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. ", "I was wondering, why does a Frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Sometimes it has vinaigrette or mayonnaise. Thats Mums side.. But they were fully booked. These smartass quotes about breakups are sure to help you out. shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now We recommend our users to update the browser. Hours go by and nobody sees the head monk. Rub one ball and everything moves.". ' @woodyluvscoffee. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. Submitted by Janet Winkler, A businessman flying first class is sitting next to a parrot. Later they get together. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? Snake 1: I just bit my lip. He bit himself. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. ), I was driving when I first saw the flash of a traffic camera. Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. One day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times. Milton Jones. Want to grab a drink? he asks the centipede, but theres no answer from the box. Maybe 22, he says. A mug is placed between his hands. It read, Mr. [Read: 19 life quotes to motivate you to live a better life], 23. From the next room over, my dad yelled, Shes money laundering!Submitted by Shinae Hartley, A farmer sees a chicken strutting across a rural highway. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. | 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before You know, this is my first operation. And what sort of case was that? My father sued me for the money.Submitted by Dee Hudson. Hold it in. Hes peeing in the refrigerator again!, For his birthday, an old mans nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as hes dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, Daddy! Two weeks after I had photos taken of my baby, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a colour monitor. The wife says that yes, he could. And, of more recent coinage, for our Iraqui readers: Couldn't organise a hanging on a gallows. Its all right for 10 minutes, then you start to feel sick. Andrew Lawrence, I bought my friend an elephant for his room. Except at a funeral.Demetri Martin, A guy walks into a dentists office and says, I think Im a moth., The dentist replies, You shouldnt be here. Yes, says the waiter. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . Submitted by Fred Meckley, A man is recovering from a minor surgery when a nurse comes in to check on him. Need the laughs to come fast? The Hepatitis Bee. Milton Jones, Hedgehogs why cant they just share the hedge? Dan Antolpolski, The pollen count, now thats a difficult job. Hes telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment., The easiest time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. Oh yesthe news. Submitted by Dan Upham, I have always been a disappointment. When the waiter brings him the meal, he asks if they are genuine. Youre drunk.. This is one of the times in life when you should keep a straight face. The best time to add insult to injury is when youre signing somebodys cast. Demetri Martin, Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. Theres a smartass quote for that. Honey, whats for supper?. You couldn't hit a lake if you were standing at the bottom. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, Pull over!, No! the woman yelled back, Cardigan! Reddit.com, I quit my job working for Nike. Its called balance., 3. Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? Check out our all-time funniest work jokes. She seemed surprised. A: A steeping bag. In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. God says, No. If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. you couldn't kick jokes - Laque.com.my I listened in and overheard Mitch say to Matt, Even if you were an only child, you still wouldnt be Mom and Dads favourite. Submitted by Denise Horn, While working the beverage cart at the local golf course, a customer asked me if I could go back to the previous green to see if she had left her sandwich there. Now, sure. Aye matey.. He told me to stop going there. I hate Russian dolls so full of themselves! Well, theyre not laughing now. Crime in multi-storey car parks. A class act. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. BBLTHRW. Not yet.. Shes been here six months. Ever wondered how why did the chicken cross the road became a thing? A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Curious, he went to the store and handed the ticket to the owner, who headed to the back of the store before reappearing. But that's not all. ._1sDtEhccxFpHDn2RUhxmSq{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:18px;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;-ms-flex-flow:row nowrap;flex-flow:row nowrap}._1d4NeAxWOiy0JPz7aXRI64{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-metaText)}.icon._3tMM22A0evCEmrIk-8z4zO{margin:-2px 8px 0 0} The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." What happened to ya?, Sol says, Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. Thats when I realized he was her favourite twin. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. A blind man visits Texas. you couldn't kick jokesmichelle fleury ancestry. It's stopped twerking. "What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Now, congratulate yourself by all means but do it silently. "What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Having trouble crafting the perfect message for a birthday card? Love is grand, until it isnt. What are they used for? the captain asks. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. The light goes on. A: Copies. ", "What do you call someone who graduates last in their class from Med school? (Consider yourself warned! ", "I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. Ugh! the student groaned. One neighbour endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night. How do you put up with it? I just ignore them and play my bagpipes.Submitted by Marilyn Adkins, Sarah, the self-appointed arbiter of the towns morals, stuck her nose into everyones business. Amazing! the man says. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home., The guy is flabbergasted. One day I had to call someone about a late book entitled Dont Forget: Easy Exercises for a Better Memory. The odds of getting mugged twice are 1 in 2,500. I also drink a case of whisky a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise. Thats amazing, the woman said. If you smile whilst youre giving your smartass quote, youre going to take away its power. and Photobombed. Got anything less expensive?Submitted by Rosemary Covert, Snake 1: Are we poisonous? Whenever we'd start talking and she didn't want to hear it she would sing, "Oh the monkey wrapped his tail around the flag pole, to wipe his butt hole, and see the world!!". 25 of the greatest Absolutely Fabulous quotes, darling First, lets make sure hes dead., Theres a silence, then a shot. If you fell in a bucket of tits, you'd come out sucking your thumb. Daddy! 24 Funny One-Liners to Tell at Parties - LiveAbout The older sister paused, then said, Spell mosquito. is saying I should be on Jeopardy! every time I answer a $200 clue that happens to be about one of my three interests. Laura Peek, comedian. She couldn't control her pupils. "A thief broke into the police headquarters during the night and took all the toilets. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. The day before both NBC and Fox confirmed she would not be making a return to the networks, Tamron Hall and Soledad O'Brien couldn't help but make a jibe at Megyn Kelly in New York. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. A cornfield. My life is a mess, he says. 4 / 20. The difference between "Ooooooh" and "Aaaaaah" is about three inches. Theyll be ready next Friday.Submitted by Ronald Moore, A: Cookie sheets. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. Good Comebacks, Roasts, & Burns: Best 99+ You Need To Know - Humoropedia 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit 12 / 102. I have been working as a couples therapist for 20 years, and I know how many fights begin because someone cant take a joke.. Sometimes you just want to make somebody laugh, but are pushed for time. ", "If life givesyou melons, you might be dyslexic. Since Margaret was gone several minutes, she felt the need to explain her absence to me: My friend and I arent able to spend much time together anymore because she is more decapitated than I am. Submitted by Vicki Alum, At a job review, my boss told me this year the company would compensate for inflation but that additional raises would be considered on a case-by-case basis. Submitted by Mark Flowerdew, Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. These jokes are a fantastic selection of humorous jokes about football that are clean and entertaining. Its that love/hate thing that means you cant stand them on one hand, but you find them hilarious on the other. 39 of the greatest Brass Eye and Day Today quotes If you look closely, you can see the little black dots in the meatballs. Hes done it again!, When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. Oddly enough it's feminists, One of the UK's smallest towns has an award-winning pub and England's oldest fishing society, 'How bad are the pics? Funny Science Jokes: Hilarious Science Jokes Nerds Will Love | Reader's How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it. Couldn't organise a two-man rush on a three-hole shithouse. Fo drizzle! Whats your last wish? Well, Ive always wanted to donate a kidney.Submitted by Robert L. Jaffee, Growing up with a curious younger brother and a sharp-eared dad led to some memorable conversations as a teenager. Jim nervously mimicked her. "Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. Explanation: "No joke" has a double meaning here. 3. Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. 72. A couple of dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. He knows I have poor eyesight, so Hes fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! He downs it, leaps off the roofand plummets 15 stories to the ground. Violators will be extracted. Submitted by Helen McNair, My father-in-law, Paul, lives on a farm near Wynyard, Saskatchewan. The jury comes back with the verdict. Well, if they liked having one of you, they must be even happier now. Actually, she replied, the manager was telling my sister that she was such a good worker that he wished he could clone her. 101 Short Jokes Anyone Can Remember | Reader's Digest I told the Inland Revenue I dont owe them a penny. The satisfactory. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket? Im in your driveway., 47. Then they call me ugly and poor.". I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. My sister would be so proud of you! she declared. "You can't make somebody love you. Submitted by Timothy Manganaro, A Dubliner proposes to his girlfriend on St. Patricks Day and gives her a ring with a synthetic diamond. Youre about to hit a home run and you want to jump in the air and scream yes! because for once you know exactly what to say. My New Years resolution is to get in shape. Hes now a seasoned veteran. Just received a card full of rice. Members call in sick, but they all show up for the meeting. Crocker, you are just fine, insisted the nurse. ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px} Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. Between you and me, something smells. I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. One day, I saw him reach for the glass of dandelion water and stopped him just before he drank from it. Uncle Ben has died. The boy screams. Spell elephant,' the older one said. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larrys wife. Oops.Submitted by Robert Rea, Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. ' Misir Doobay, Toronto, I dont need it, but Ill tell you who does Jen Statsky, writer. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him. Submitted by Faith Lackey, A: Breathe! Whether youre looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. Pack your stuff, they're waiting. Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. The best way to make a serious impact with a smartass quote is to deliver it, turn on your heel, and walk away. Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you. Bill Murray, 14. The bartender shakes his head. Ill never part with it!. You couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions written on the heel. I said 40. When a daydreaming taxi driver accidentally drove past his destination, his passenger gently tapped him on the shoulder from the back seat. Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, well be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life. Keep rolling your eyes. Then I served my country in Iraq. Submitted by Tim Vine, Q: What do you call twin police officers? When the server showed up to take our order, she asked, Where do you get your mussels? The young waitress blushed, looked sheepishly at her biceps and quietly answered, Cross-training?Submitted by Dan Grabke, Q: Whats Edith Piafs favourite airline? Pressed for time? If you liked that joke, youll get a kick out of these hilarious thesaurus mistakes. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. I never even listen when you tell me them. Its shift work. Especially if youve got hay fever. Milton Jones. He tells the priest that on Friday night, hed been in the bar when he met a young woman. Nasty ex sniffing around? He really is your son! Detector: Beep.. Its not a gong. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. She was so ugly she could trick or treat over the telephone. Then it hit me. He asks the dogs owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?, The owner says, Because hes a liar! Find out the 10 things you should never say to a Canadian. I never knew my real ladder. Next, he moves into the dining room. ' Tim Vine, Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. Im doing great! How to be witty and win anyone over, Backhanded compliment How to react kindly or give back in kind, Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in, How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm.